Today was a sad and emotionally filled day for me. As I was driving home I said to myself I need to write a post about understanding my season only to realize I wrote that post last December. Question for self: how is it that 9 months later you find yourself needing to write another post about your season?
Today I felt sad but I decided to still have a girls days to help get out of the funk I was in. We went to see a movie called Crazy Rich Asian. Everything was going fine and my emotions were in check until I started to connect with one of the main characters name Rachel. The moment I connected with her the moment I began feeling the emotions she felt. When she was happy and laughing I was enjoying ever bit of it, but when she experience sadness and pain I began mentally trying to guard myself because after all it is just a movie right?
Towards the end she made a powerful statement that pushed me right over the edge. She was telling another main character that she now knows she is worthy and that she is good enough. The reason it hit home for me was because earlier in the day I was in a space where I wondered if I was good enough. When I think of good enough I think of good enough for companionship and love. I began crying in the theater because I was super proud of her for reaching a point where she realized her worth. Then the proposal she got at the end made me cry yet again. This time the tears ran down my face like a never ending river and as I was gasping for air the tears kept coming. I tried to stop crying but the more I told myself to keep it together the more I cried. During that time I reflected on my happy days and on my sad days and my sad days were louder than my laughs.
I felt invisible and unworthy of love and companionship. On my good days I am able to remind myself that I am beautiful, I am special, I am worthy and maybe God has dimmed my light while he prepares me for the desires of my heart. On my bad days I think how is it possible that only those that love me are able to see how great and special I am but not the men that I think would be good candidates. Again on my good days I think may God has dimmed my light so those that I think are good candidates but aren’t good for me wont have the chance to hurt me.
As I drove home in tears I felt my self falling to my knees and crying out loud. In that moment I realized my focus was selfish and that I lost sight of God. I say I trust him but in moments of weakness I’m like ok God maybe you need my help or I’m asking how long will I be punished. On the drive home I felt great frustration because it felt as if my cries meant nothing and that everyone else got everything they desired. Here I am trying to wait on the Lord while everyone else is living their best life. Apart of me is yelling go be free and wild and settle for some temporary feelings because I want to hear baby you’re beautiful or be held or be silly with my best friend. Another part of me is wishing I didn’t care and that I had it in me to be a wild child. I mean I am an adult so I’m free to do whatever I want. Then the sensible side of me knows that isn’t who I am and that isn’t what I want for my life. The sermon today started ringing loud in my mind, Revelation 2 verses 24-29 kept replaying in my head.
I am not perfect but I’m realizing that God wont put more on me than I can take. Some days are better than others, and some days I feeling like I am being forsaken. The beauty of it all is that his word says for when I am weak, then I am strong.
Lesson learned: everyday will not be your best day but each day you’ll learn a lesson that will prepare you for the desires of your heart. To the person that is feeling unloved, forsaken, broken and alone, you will get through this. Let’s say it together I am enough, I am worthy, I am loved, broken crayons still color and God is love. As we continue on our journey let’s keep each other in prayer. Thanks for reading and remember you are loved and God is love.
Until next time, God is love….. Love, Peace and Hair Grease ❤️❤️❤️