There is no secret my relationship with my father is not where I want it to be. Over the years I have been working to fix a relationship and it is starting to drain me emotionally and physically.
As a young adult in this world I am realizing how important it is to have a healthy relationship with my parents, more importantly my father. My father appears to be old school and he is not one to show emotional or affection. I have never been told baby you are beautiful or baby girl I am proud of you. It bothered me to the point that I began going to counseling to deal the pain. I am happy to say counseling helped me believe in myself again and I started to feel beautiful.
During that time period (2014-2017) I was blessed with amazing men who filled in the gap as father figures and big brothers. These men corrected my wrongs with love and taught me the right way. I am truly happy and grateful for these men because they choose to love me. My mentor/church dad/big brother counseled me in a way that I was strong enough to trust God and understand how to deal with unhealthy relationships.
I remember I would cry and tell him how my dad would only give me 30 seconds of his time when we are on the phone. I felt like that was not enough time and it hurt that he wouldn’t give me more time. It got to the point were I began to feel like I was not worthy of love from a man if my own father won’t love me. Then my church dad asked me what makes that not enough time and I was like because it is only 30 seconds. He then said to me do not focus on the time but focus on the relationship. Reachel you need to make up in your mind whether it is 30 seconds or an hour it is enough time, he said. He continue to say be as happy as you can be when you are talking to him and in time the relationship would get better.
I must say it did get a little better. I began calling often during the first month but the relationship began to feel one sided. I felt like I was the only one trying to fix this relationship with my father. Naturally I began to back off and not call as much. It is not because I didn’t care, I think I got to a point where it was not on my mind or I was too busy.
Fast forward to the last few weeks. It seems as though my father has lost a chunk of his memory and believes he is father of the year. He calls but it seems he is only calling for one of two reasons. First reason is to remind me that I don’t call enough, but in my mind a phone works both ways. Second reason is to put in his request for me to buy him something. I am not against buying my father gifts, but I am starting to feel like that is all I’m good for. The more I talk to him the more it becomes what I can do for him.
Just this past week I have really thought about blocking his number. The state of Florida was about to be hit by one of the most catastrophic hurricanes ever, and his phone calls upset me. He did not call with concern for my life or to really make sure that if I was staying that I was prepared.
Instead our conversation went like this:
Me: hey daddy, what’s up
Dad: oh you answered. I was calling to say hi because you don’t know how to call anyone.
Dad: repeats himself.
Me: that’s not true daddy.
Dad: yes, it is you done got to rich and famous that you forgot about the little people.
Me: daddy that is very hurtful for you to say.
Dad: oh well it’s hurtful that i have to call you.
SN: there was a time where i would call my dad several times and he would not answer, and if he did he would only stay on the phone for 30 seconds. One time he didn’t answer for two weeks straight so my mom and I drove to GA to make sure he was ok. When I finally got there he was like oh my phone broke you didn’t have to come up here, but in my mind I want to chop him in the throat because I literally just started a new job. I thought he was selfish for not calling me back at least on their house phone to say hey my cell is broke. I got to the point in my life that I learned to be ok if my dad does not call me all the time. Just to be clear I am not rich nor am I famous.
As you can see we do not have a great relationship. Over the last few weeks he has been very hurtful in the sense that he thinks it is ok to call just to say you don’t call enough or buy me this and send it to me. I am wondering at what point will he think to say baby how was your day or how’s work or school. Nope none of that happens. I am torn between wanting to respect my father and wanting to block him number.
The more I think about this broken relationship the more I think about how imperfect we both are. Maybe I am expecting him to be something he’s not, but I do not think I am asking to much. However, my church daddy/mentor once said you can not expect him to give you something he does not have himself.
I said all of this to say I need to focus on chasing a perfect dad and everthing else will fall in line. My heavenly father is perfect and more than capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. I do not think I hate my dad, but I do think my interest in wanting to fix this relationship is low because I am the only one trying.
Lesson Learned: God will never fail me. Man will fail me. God is Perfect. No human is perfect.
On this journey I plan to improve my relationship with my heavenly father and trust that he will restore my relationship with my earthly father. On this journey I ask that if you are reading this that you pray for me as I pray for you. This journey is not going to be easy but I know if I trust God I will get back to a health place. A place where I know how to love myself, those around me and more importantly my future husband.
Until next time my loves…… thanks for reading and praying for me ❤️
Love, Peace and Hair Grease……. God is Love❤️