How To Survive This Season

Today was a sad and emotionally filled day for me. As I was driving home I said to myself I need to write a post about understanding my season only to realize I wrote that post last December. Question for self: how is it that 9 months later you find yourself needing to write another post about your season?

Today I felt sad but I decided to still have a girls days to help get out of the funk I was in. We went to see a movie called Crazy Rich Asian. Everything was going fine and my emotions were in check until I started to connect with one of the main characters name Rachel. The moment I connected with her the moment I began feeling the emotions she felt. When she was happy and laughing I was enjoying ever bit of it, but when she experience sadness and pain I began mentally trying to guard myself because after all it is just a movie right?

Towards the end she made a powerful statement that pushed me right over the edge. She was telling another main character that she now knows she is worthy and that she is good enough. The reason it hit home for me was because earlier in the day I was in a space where I wondered if I was good enough. When I think of good enough I think of good enough for companionship and love. I began crying in the theater because I was super proud of her for reaching a point where she realized her worth. Then the proposal she got at the end made me cry yet again. This time the tears ran down my face like a never ending river and as I was gasping for air the tears kept coming. I tried to stop crying but the more I told myself to keep it together the more I cried. During that time I reflected on my happy days and on my sad days and my sad days were louder than my laughs.

I felt invisible and unworthy of love and companionship. On my good days I am able to remind myself that I am beautiful, I am special, I am worthy and maybe God has dimmed my light while he prepares me for the desires of my heart. On my bad days I  think how is it possible that only those that love me are able to see how great and special I am but not the men that I think would be good candidates. Again on my good days I think may God has dimmed my light so those that I think are good candidates but aren’t good for me wont have the chance to hurt me.

As I drove home in tears I felt my self falling to my knees and crying out loud. In that moment I realized my focus was selfish and that I lost sight of God. I say I trust him but in moments of weakness I’m like ok God maybe you need my help or I’m asking how long will I be punished. On the drive home I felt great frustration because it felt as if my cries meant nothing and that everyone else got everything they desired. Here I am trying to wait on the Lord while everyone else is living their best life. Apart of me is yelling go be free and wild and settle for some temporary feelings because I want to hear baby you’re beautiful or be held or be silly with my best friend. Another part of me is wishing I didn’t care and that I had it in me to be a wild child. I mean I am an adult so I’m free to do whatever I want. Then the sensible side of me knows that isn’t who I am and that isn’t what I want for my life. The sermon today started ringing loud in my mind, Revelation 2 verses 24-29 kept replaying in my head.

I am not perfect but I’m realizing that God wont put more on me than I can take. Some days are better than others, and some days I feeling like I am being forsaken. The beauty of it all is that his word says for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lesson learned: everyday will not be your best day but each day you’ll learn a lesson that will prepare you for the desires of your heart. To the person that is feeling unloved, forsaken, broken and alone, you will get through this. Let’s say it together I am enough, I am worthy, I am loved, broken crayons still color and God is love. As we continue on our journey let’s keep each other in prayer. Thanks for reading and remember you are loved and God is love.

Until next time, God is love….. Love, Peace and Hair Grease  ❤️❤️❤️

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Understanding My Season

Oh what a year! 2017 has been a year of joy, pain, loneliness, success, failure, heartaches, love, sadness, peace, confusion and many what ifs.

Many what ifs have been the cause of the different emotions I feel. What if I’m not good enough, What if that relationship never gets better (with my dad), What if I divorce fear and start my own business, what if I actually like him, what if tell him how I feel, what if I mess the relationship up, what if he feels the same about me. I realized this year has been filled with more what ifs and not enough praying and trusting God to lead me. I have spent the entire year dwelling on what ifs instead of taking a chance. My fear is the lack of belief I have in myself.

On Christmas this year I knew I would spend it alone and I woke up with the mind to be ok with it. So on Christmas day I decided to clean up, listen to love songs and prepare a box of shoes and a box of clothes to give to goodwill. The holidays are super tough for me and of course it is easy to say you don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make that day special. I agree to an extent. See on Christmas I knew I was not going to receive any gifts and that is not what hurt the most. What sucked was I didn’t get to spend it with family. Instead my family (siblings) spent the holidays with their little families and the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. So my plan was to clean and listen to love songs until I got tired so I could sleep the day away. My dad called and I felt like it was going to be a bad call. I answered and said hey daddy and he says Merry Christmas. I say Merry Christmas daddy. Then he says I just got off the phone with your brother and I told him that y’all two are starting to act like your other two siblings because y’all don’t call anymore. Then he says you must be sorry busy with your family that you don’t have time to call you father. That statement hurt and it took everything in me to keep it together. I said no daddy no one is to blame and it is not that I’m spending time with someone else. He cuts me off and says it only takes a minute to call. In my mind I thought that is a minute that takes a toll on my happiness. Before he hung up he said me about a suit he wanted and then ended the call.

After the call I was sad because he didn’t even say hey your gift is on the way or how’s your christmas going Rae. It is like I don’t matter to him. Then it hit me. He has trained me to accept the love he chooses to give instead of getting the love I deserve. Then I looked back on previous relationships and I realized a common theme. I allowed myself to love those men with everything in me while accepting the love they gave or lack thereof instead of demanding the love I deserve. That made me even more sad because I am a great person and I love those around me but now I’m starting to question whether I know what I deserve and why am I afraid to command it.

I will be 27 in two months and I am sad. There is this guy and I like him but I won’t allow myself to admit it to myself or to him or anyone for that matter. Why? Because I am afraid I will mess that relationship up. I think he is special and I would hate to hurt him. As I watch him evolve I smile at his growth and I just want to see him win i as aspects of his life.

My goal of 2018 is to recognize I am enough and to go for what I deserve. I need to start living. The first step is to improve my relationship with God and then everything will fall into place.

Lessons to Learn: I am special, I am enough, I am worthy of love, I am the daughter of THE KING.  I have to trust that my blessings have my name on it and no one can take what is for me. On this journey I pray to be surrounded by great people and great love. I will start to command the love I deserve. I will only entertain positive relationships. My prayer is that all relationships improve. I also pray for the wisdom to know if we are meant to be we will be…….

Until next time…… God is Love…. Love, Peace, and Hair Grease ❤️❤️❤️

Chasing The Right Father

There is no secret my relationship with my father is not where I want it to be. Over the years I have been working to fix a relationship and it is starting to drain me emotionally and physically.

As a young adult in this world I am realizing how important it is to have a healthy relationship with my parents, more importantly my father. My father appears to be old school and he is not one to show emotional or affection. I have never been told baby you are beautiful or baby girl I am proud of you. It bothered me to the point that I began going to counseling to deal the pain. I am happy to say counseling helped me believe  in myself again and I started to feel beautiful.

During that time period (2014-2017) I was blessed with amazing men who filled in the gap as father figures and big brothers. These men corrected my wrongs with love and taught me the right way. I am truly happy and grateful for these men because they choose to love me. My mentor/church dad/big brother counseled me in a way that I was strong enough to trust God and understand how to deal with unhealthy relationships.

I remember I would cry and tell him how my dad would only give me 30 seconds of his time when we are on the phone. I felt like that was not enough time and it hurt that he wouldn’t give me more time. It got to the point were I began to feel like I was not worthy of love from a man if my own father won’t love me. Then my church dad asked me what makes that not enough time and I was like because it is only 30 seconds. He then said to me do not focus on the time but focus on the relationship. Reachel you need to make up in your mind whether it is 30 seconds or an hour it is enough time, he said. He continue to say be as happy as you can be when you are talking to him and in time the relationship would get better.

I must say it did get a little better. I began calling often during the first month but the relationship began to feel one sided. I felt like I was the only one trying to fix this relationship with my father. Naturally I began to back off and not call as much. It is not because I didn’t care, I think I got to a point where it was not on my mind or I was too busy.

Fast forward to the last few weeks. It seems as though my father has lost a chunk of his memory and believes he is father of the year. He calls but it seems he is only calling for one of two reasons. First reason is to remind me that I don’t call enough, but in my mind a phone works both ways. Second reason is to put in his request for me to buy him something. I am not against buying my father gifts, but I am starting to feel like that is all I’m good for. The more I talk to him the more it becomes what I can do for him.

Just this past week I have really thought about blocking his number. The state of Florida was about to be hit by one of the most catastrophic hurricanes ever, and his phone calls upset me. He did not call with concern for my life or to really make sure that if I was staying that I was prepared.

Instead our conversation went like this:

Dad: hello

Me: hey daddy, what’s up

Dad: oh you answered. I was calling to say hi because you don’t know how to call anyone.

Me: silent…

Dad: repeats himself.

Me: that’s not true daddy.

Dad: yes, it is you done got to rich and famous that you forgot about the little people.

Me: daddy that is very hurtful for you to say.

Dad: oh well it’s hurtful that i have to call you.

SN: there was a time where i would call my dad several times and he would not answer, and if he did he would only stay on the phone for 30 seconds. One time he didn’t answer for two weeks straight so my mom and I drove to GA to make sure he was ok. When I finally got there he was like oh my phone broke you didn’t have to come up here, but in my mind I want to chop him in the throat because I literally just started a new job. I thought he was selfish for not calling me back at least on their house phone to say hey my cell is broke. I got to the point in my life that I learned to be ok if my dad does not call me all the time.  Just to be clear I am not rich nor am I famous.

As you can see we do not have a great relationship. Over the last few weeks he has been very hurtful in the sense that he thinks it is ok to call just to say you don’t call enough or buy me this and send it to me. I am wondering at what point will he think to say baby how was your day or how’s work or school. Nope none of that happens. I am torn between wanting to respect my father and wanting to block him number.

The more I think about this broken relationship the more I think about how imperfect we both are. Maybe I am expecting him to be something he’s not, but I do not think I am asking to much. However, my church daddy/mentor once said you can not expect him to give you something he does not have himself.

I said all of this to say I need to focus on chasing a perfect dad and everthing else will fall in line. My heavenly father is perfect and more than capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. I do not think I hate my dad, but I do think my interest in wanting to fix this relationship is low because I am the only one trying.

Lesson Learned: God will never fail me. Man will fail me. God is Perfect. No human is perfect.

On this journey I plan to improve my relationship with my heavenly father and trust that he will restore my relationship with my earthly father. On this journey I ask that if you are reading this that you pray for me as I pray for you. This journey is not going to be easy but I know if I trust God I will get back to a health place. A place where I know how to love myself, those around me and more importantly my future husband.

Until next time my loves…… thanks for reading and praying for me ❤️

Love, Peace and Hair Grease……. God is Love❤️

 

Is There Really Purpose In Our Pain?

This journey has been a long one but a great one. I began writing again on May 1, and it seems like after every post I was tested on what I was writing. I wanted to stop writing but I remembered writing is my outlet and hey what can I say my pain has purpose.

Just yesterday morning I had a dream that felt oh so real and I woke up with the heaviest heart. All I could say was lord have mercy on me. I couldn’t understand the purpose of that dream but it caused me a great deal of pain. Then it dawned on me that the one person I knew to call on has a purpose for my pain.

I laid there and a part of me said i’ll just lay here and not go to church and the other part of me said the devil is a liar. Here’s what I know, even though I didn’t feel my best I still had to thank God for my life. In Mark 2:17 Jesus said “it is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick”. I ran to my heavenly father because I know that he has a purpose for me.

As I go through this journey the image above appears in my head.

Then I ask myself do you think you would be going through all that trouble, hardship and heartache if you was not close to your breakthrough? Some days I want to turn around and quit but God. You may stumble, you may fall, but my dear sister or brother reading this do not give up.

Lesson Learned: No one is perfect but God. We are human, and sometimes we will feel like giving up, but we should not. Here’s what I know, we are worthy of the things we pray for. God has the ability to give us exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us. If your dreams do not not scare you then you are not dreaming big enough. Try God. My prayer is that on this journey we remember is it ok to stumble, even fall but DO NOT give up. When you feel like giving up dig deep and say father have mercy on me and give me the strength to press forward. We can do this. Our pain has purpose and if we continue to press forward we will make it to our breakthrough.

Until next time…… God is Love….. Love Peace and Hair Grease…..

~RaeTheBlogger 

Do You Want to Be Well?

Simple question but it feels complex. Sometimes in life we have to ask ourselves, hey do you want to be well? Lately, I’ve been thinking about this guy, and it’s so frustrating because I just wish I could stop thinking about him. It’s starting to feel like a broken record. I’m talking to my heart like ok I get it, you think he’s a great person blah, blah, blah. Maybe he’s hard to shake mentally because he touched me without even touching me and we motivated each other, but the fact still remains that whatever that situation was it has ended.

Now what? Now is the time where I look at myself and ask Rae do you want to be well? Like do you really want to or it just sound good to say? You can not always control how you feel but you can control what you will and will not accept. I noticed that in my dwelling on an old situation I’m subconsciously telling myself that either God made a mistake because he was definitely for me or that maybe I was not good enough. However, if I was to believe either one of those lies the devil would win.

On the road to being well you have to line up the facts.

Here are the facts:

-Once upon a time I really liked this guy and now it’s over

-God has my best interest

-God saw in that man what I could not see

-God saw in me what I could not see

-God has a man just for me

-I am worthy

In order to be better, you must first decide that you want to be a better you. I understand that I am human and there will be times where I reflect on old situations, but I cannot allow those reflections to steal my joy or try to convince me that God failed me. Hindsight is 20/20. I know I’m not the only one that has had the ah ha moment where you realized why it didn’t work with the man or woman you just knew you’d spend the rest of your life with.

Lesson Learned: The bible says “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”. Beautiful woman reading this trust and believe that you’re someone’s good thing. Handsome man if you trust and believe God will show you your good thing. Often times people want to rush into relationships because they seem to think it’ll fix their happiness problem, but i’ve learned that it will only magnify that problem. In order to truly thrive in any relationship you must be a better you. Your future husband or wife and you deserve a you that wants to be well. Think about what hinders you and ask yourself do you want to be well. Be sure to write out the facts and then decide that the realest one on your team is God. If you need to vent you can either write a letter to God, talk to him or talk to your accountability partner and be true to what you feel, but also understand in order to be better you have to accept the facts and push forward.

On this journey we will become better. I pray that whoever is reading this will decide hey I want to be well.

Until next time…… God is Love… Love, Peace and Hair Grease….

~RaeTheBlogger 

 

Is It The Marriage or The Wedding That I Want?

It’s Monday, It’s Monday, It’s Monday. Welcome to week two of our be a better you journey. If you reading this that means you made the decision to be happy and to become a better version of yourself. I hope and pray that if you are not there yet that you are at least working towards being there. Today I want to talk about marriage and the wedding.

Have you ever listened to a song and thought man I want that played at my wedding? I have a million times.

Cues Alicia Keys: I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I’m sayin’
If you ask me I’m ready

Then switch to Jagged Edge:Meet me in the altar in your white dress
We ain’t getting no younger, we might as well do it
Been feeling all the while girl I must confess
Girl let’s just get married
I just wanna get married

As I listen to these songs and envision hearing them at my wedding I realize that’s what wrong with this generation. Too often people are getting married to say they did it. We live in a world that says you should be married in your 20s. This mentality causes people to fall victim to the song: we ain’t getting younger we might as well do it…. let’s just get married, i just want to get married.

Let me be clear, I think marriage is a beautiful thing and I pray one day I will get married. I constantly get asked Rae when are you going to get married or Auntie why aren’t you married yet? Adults get married. Or auntie we think you should get married so you can be happy and have awesome kids (that melts my heart). The different pleas and questions about me getting married or why I’m not married yet has created this unwavering pressure. Some days I feel like I’m going to lose it. If you’re not careful the world will have you thinking that something is wrong with you because you’re not married. I know my loved ones mean well and they just want me to be happy.

Lately I’ve been saying I want to go to a wedding… who’s getting married next? This has caused me to reevaluate what it is I want for my life. Do I want a marriage or do I want a wedding so everyone can leave me alone? The divorce rate is insane and it makes me think how many of these couples wanted the marriage and how many wanted the wedding?

I dream about the day I meet my future husband and the life we will have. I’ve decided I want the marriage and not just the wedding. I’m realizing that it is vital for me to understand what marriage is all about and what it means to be a wife. A lot of people like the title wife or wifey or husband or hubby but not all of them understand their role as a wife or husband. My mentors, big sis and big bros in christ are straight shooters and they let me know that marriage is work but it’s worth it.

As I listen to Sam Smith: I’m waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that
You’re the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you’re out there, we’re meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me

Man I love that song :-)…. It reminds me to remain prayerful and hopeful because no matter how bad people paint singleness I know there is a man out there that’s just for me. Singleness is a time for me to work on being a better christian woman and preparing myself for the man that God has just for me. The key on this journey is to not let your singleness cause you to panic and settle for just the wedding when  you deserve the marriage. Yes some days will be hard because let’s face it everyone needs someone, but the wait is worth.

Lesson Learned: The Wait is Sexy, The Wait is Discipline, The Wait is Powerful, The Wait is Faith, The Wait is Maturity, The Wait is Preparation. During the wait you should strive to develop a better relationship with God. Ask God to show you what areas of your life needs improvement so you can be a better future wife or husband. The greatest lesson is do not, I repeat do not let singleness force you to settle for just the wedding when you deserve the marriage.

If you’re feeling lonely or feeling like you got the short end of the stick or that you’ll be single forever reach out to your accountability partner and have a honest moment with them. Being single is not always easy but it is not a disease. I am starting to appreciate my singleness, I may not love it but I know God has someone special just for me. On this journey I choose to believe that God loves me and that there’s a man out there with my name on him :-). This week take the time to search within yourself and ask the hard questions: What does it mean to be a wife? What does it mean to be a husband? Am I ready to fulfill that role? Am I settling for the wedding or am I waiting for the marriage I deserve? Is singleness getting to me?

Until next time….. God is Love…….. Love, Peace and Hair Grease……..

~RaeTheBlogger 

What is Happiness? Am I there?

It’s Monday, It’s Monday, It’s Monday. It’s also May 1 which means if you’re reading this we’re taking the journey to being a better version of ourselves. Ever since last week I was excited about writing again and hopefully inspiring at least one person to be a better version of themselves, but the devil was like Rae you’re way too happy. Today was a very exhausting day. I felt exhausted emotionally and physically and I just wanted to run back home, get in bed and cry. All I could think about is how I missed him and that I wanted to hear his voice, hear his laugh and see his smile. So close yet so far away. Knowing it was best to not reach out to him hurt because he’s not a bad person, but I have to accept he was in my life for a season and a reason.

For the first few hours, I watched the clock and kept saying Fix it Jesus. After lunch it dawned on me that I had two choices either hand the devil my joy on a silver platter or trust God for his word and understand that it’ll all work out for my good. Needless to say, I chose trust God and my day got better.

Week one, you and I (who ever is reading this), ask yourself if you’re happy?

Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. There’s going to be stress in life, but it’s your choice whether you let it affect you or not. – Valerie Bertinelli

Some days are just bad days, that’s all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that’s just the way it is! -Dita Von Teese

On this journey it is important to understand happiness and how to obtain it. Often times we place our happiness in the hands of humans who we may or may not love. Being happy all the time is a challenge and it would be unhealthy. In order to appreciate sunshine you have to experience the rain.

I read a quote that said learn to be like water and not soda. At first glance you think what is this crazy person talking about, but you have to look a little deeper for the true meaning. If you shake a bottle of water then open it nothing happens, but if you shake a bottle of soda and open it, it will overflow. That to me was powerful because I often wear my feelings on my sleeves and that makes me vulnerable.

Lesson Learned: If I or you want to me happy we need to decide to be happy and not let the decisions, words or actions of other alter our happiness. We must also understand that there will be days were we’re not happy and that’s ok as long as we decide to trust God to see us through our storms.

Hey Awesome King or Queen reading this God loves every bit of you. I challenge you to seek the happiness and joy that God gives and no man can take away unless we surrender it. This journey won’t be easy but we must understand our pain has purpose and God has a plan for us. If you find this journey to be too hard alone remember God is always there, and if you need to, ask a close friend to be your happiness accountability partner. This accountability partner’s job is to encourage you, listen to you,but not allow you to throw any pity parties.

Let the journey begin……

Until next time….. God is Love….. Love, Peace and Hair Grease…..

~RaeTheBlogger ❤️

On The Road To A Better Me :-)

Its been a long time since I wrote you (well y’all). I am in a space where I  recognize that God is better than good. Let me be clear it’s not that I didn’t believe it before, but it’s the fact that my trust level has increased. I am excited about my life again and I know I owe that joy to God. God gives us a joy that no man or woman can take away.

This is the beginning of my new journey. I am chasing Rae. My goal is to love me like God loves me. I am seeking the beauty that God created and sees in me. I am more than a pretty face. On this journey I plan to be as open and honest with myself as I possibly can. I will be questioning the unquestionable and seeking the answers to questions I was afraid to ask.

Starting May 1 I will be blogging about love, life, and happiness? Am I there yet?

We live in a world that says I should be married, with kids and a beautiful house. Although I want those things I’m learning to trust God’s timing, and I must say the journey is not easy but I have a gut feeling it’ll be worth it in the end. Can’t rush greatness right?

Over the next few weeks I will be writing the following blogs:

-What is Happiness? Am I there?

-Is it the Marriage or the Wedding that I want?

-Do you want to be well?

-Is there really purpose in our pain?

I know I am not the only one who sometimes feel like I am getting the short end of the stick, but I know that’s the devil’s plan to convince me that God has abandoned me. I ask that who ever is reading this and feels they need to change will take the journey with me to be a better you.

Until next time….. God is Love…. You are Awesome…….

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease

~RaeTheBlogger

Why Does It Hurt 😐

How can a simple kind gesture lead to sadness. I thought I could tell you happy birthday and feel nothing. I mean it’s just a simple happy birthday. As I hit send on that Happy 27th Birthday LB text my anxiety kicked in. Now the wait for the reply started. What will he say, should I have reached out. I began to tell my mind be still be at ease because you already hit send and there is nothing you can do about it. Shortly after he replied. Now I’m afraid to even open the message. I stared at his name on my screen for a few minutes then I told myself to snap out of it. The text said Thank you, Reachel! With his favorite emoji at the end. The craziest thing was my heart dropped after I looked at the emoji. To a normal person it’s just an emoji but to me it was more than that. The reason is because that was his corny flirt emoji and I loved it. With a heavy heart I just want to lay back down and go to sleep.

If I was talking to my oh so awesome mentor/father figure he’d tell me remember facts vs feelings. If you’re reading this say a prayer for me 🙏🏾. This great man would also tell me you know it’s ok to not be ok? Well today is one of those days that I’m not ok and I don’t have enough in me to pretend that I am.

I know today is a significant day for you as well and my prayer is that God will comfort you and the fam 🙏🏾.

Until next time…….. God is Love…… Love, Peace and Hair Grease…..