Oh what a year! 2017 has been a year of joy, pain, loneliness, success, failure, heartaches, love, sadness, peace, confusion and many what ifs.
Many what ifs have been the cause of the different emotions I feel. What if I’m not good enough, What if that relationship never gets better (with my dad), What if I divorce fear and start my own business, what if I actually like him, what if tell him how I feel, what if I mess the relationship up, what if he feels the same about me. I realized this year has been filled with more what ifs and not enough praying and trusting God to lead me. I have spent the entire year dwelling on what ifs instead of taking a chance. My fear is the lack of belief I have in myself.
On Christmas this year I knew I would spend it alone and I woke up with the mind to be ok with it. So on Christmas day I decided to clean up, listen to love songs and prepare a box of shoes and a box of clothes to give to goodwill. The holidays are super tough for me and of course it is easy to say you don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to make that day special. I agree to an extent. See on Christmas I knew I was not going to receive any gifts and that is not what hurt the most. What sucked was I didn’t get to spend it with family. Instead my family (siblings) spent the holidays with their little families and the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. So my plan was to clean and listen to love songs until I got tired so I could sleep the day away. My dad called and I felt like it was going to be a bad call. I answered and said hey daddy and he says Merry Christmas. I say Merry Christmas daddy. Then he says I just got off the phone with your brother and I told him that y’all two are starting to act like your other two siblings because y’all don’t call anymore. Then he says you must be sorry busy with your family that you don’t have time to call you father. That statement hurt and it took everything in me to keep it together. I said no daddy no one is to blame and it is not that I’m spending time with someone else. He cuts me off and says it only takes a minute to call. In my mind I thought that is a minute that takes a toll on my happiness. Before he hung up he said me about a suit he wanted and then ended the call.
After the call I was sad because he didn’t even say hey your gift is on the way or how’s your christmas going Rae. It is like I don’t matter to him. Then it hit me. He has trained me to accept the love he chooses to give instead of getting the love I deserve. Then I looked back on previous relationships and I realized a common theme. I allowed myself to love those men with everything in me while accepting the love they gave or lack thereof instead of demanding the love I deserve. That made me even more sad because I am a great person and I love those around me but now I’m starting to question whether I know what I deserve and why am I afraid to command it.
I will be 27 in two months and I am sad. There is this guy and I like him but I won’t allow myself to admit it to myself or to him or anyone for that matter. Why? Because I am afraid I will mess that relationship up. I think he is special and I would hate to hurt him. As I watch him evolve I smile at his growth and I just want to see him win i as aspects of his life.
My goal of 2018 is to recognize I am enough and to go for what I deserve. I need to start living. The first step is to improve my relationship with God and then everything will fall into place.
Lessons to Learn: I am special, I am enough, I am worthy of love, I am the daughter of THE KING. I have to trust that my blessings have my name on it and no one can take what is for me. On this journey I pray to be surrounded by great people and great love. I will start to command the love I deserve. I will only entertain positive relationships. My prayer is that all relationships improve. I also pray for the wisdom to know if we are meant to be we will be…….
Until next time…… God is Love…. Love, Peace, and Hair Grease ❤️❤️❤️